“I cry out to the Lord; I plead for the Lord’s mercy.  I pour out my complaints before Him and tell Him all my troubles.  When I am overwhelmed You alone know the way I should turn.” (Psalm 142:1-3a)

When I said Jeff and I were taking the summer off, I had no intentions of taking time off from writing; but over the last couple of months Jeff and I have both been entrenched in an endless barrage of “busy” at our jobs.  There are many nights and and many weeks where we don’t see each other until 9 or 10pm and then only for a little bit before it’s time for bed and time to start the next work day all over again.

We were able to get away this past week on vacation to the beach.   Although we still had to work some, it was a much needed break from the long hours and high stress of our daily lives.  What it was not was a break from the longing hearts we carry.  I have heard people say the second year after the loss of a child is the hardest.  So far my heart’s personal research on the matter concurs with that observation.  The whole week I just kept thinking about what Nathan would think about the beach; how would he have done on the long trip; would he like playing in the sand; would he let his Daddy take him out into the water; would we be able to maintain any semblance of a schedule for him while on vacation; could we keep his lily white skin (like his Dad’s) free from sunburn…  I just miss him so much and thoughts of what my life would have been with him shroud everything I do.

I think the second year of loss is hard because you aren’t in shock anymore and the numbness has long worn off.  Every experience I have, I want to share with Nathan; but I can’t and that hurts.  The lives that my friends are having with their babies I long to have, but I don’t.  And I don’t like being left behind in those friendships either; but frankly we don’t fit in their worlds anymore and there isn’t much in common.

The summer off, referenced earlier, was to step away from the fertility treatments.  Our last treatment was in April, finding out the negative results at the beginning of May.  The results of fertility tests indicated that I was even further down the spectrum of infertility.  There was no more pushing the body to produce eggs, when there wasn’t a chance of egg viability.  All of this set the stage for God to perform another miracle – to give us another miracle baby.

I wish I could be writing you today to say that God had taken the summer to give us another miracle baby; but He has not.  In many ways I feel slighted by God.  I am hurt that He has not answered our prayers in this way and has not chosen this particular opportunity to show the world that He still exists and He still performs miracles.  Then again I am being greedy.  I did get my miracle pregnancy & baby the first time and I am grateful that God allowed us Nathan, even for so short a time.  I just wanted God to do it again; but after all how many people get to have two miracles in their lives, when most of the world never sees one modern day miracle.

However, I am back to a place of confusion and disappointment.  What methods do we take now? If God has not chosen to bless us with a baby, then how far are we to go to get one?  I am also back in that place of having to accept that there will never be another Jeff & Margaret baby.  Regardless of the options left to us now, there is never going to be a baby that is biologically the combination of Jeff and me.  That is a common aspect of grieving the loss of fertility – giving up on having your own baby.

For the options that are left to us, I do ask for your prayers.  We think we know which way to proceed, but we want it to be God’s leading of direction, not our own desires.  We want the baby that comes to us to be God’s choice; His child; His will.

Over the course of the past year, I read through the Psalms as a way to stay engaged with God after Nathan’s death.  I’ve never read straight through them before.  I was surprised to see that the emotions of this book tracked so closely with mine.  There is fear, frustration, anger, and depression.  However there is also focus on God and his care, protection, and love.  Of course there are also psalms of praise.  In all of this, I see that it is possible to be in the depths of despair while continuing to praise.  David was angry at God at times, but yet always understood that God’s will was going to prevail and no matter what it brings, it will be used for God’s glory.  David was willing to accept that God’s will was more important.  It doesn’t mean God’s will is always easy, but His grace is sufficient to get us through.

PRAYER:

Lord, please lead us in the direction You want us to go to get a child.  Guide us in the decisions that need to be made and keep us from drowning out the Holy Spirit with our own desires.  Bathe us in Your grace and sooth our hearts from the continued disappointment in our lives.  Help us to see Your greater good in all of this loss.     ~ Amen

“Just as the mountains surround Jerusalem, so the Lord surrounds His people, both now and forever.”  (Psalm 125:2)